Finding Courage when the Going Gets Rough

Today has been a hard day for me. I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping my spirits up lately, but today has been rough. My daughter and her new husband are coming for Christmas, which makes me very happy. It also means we are having company, which means the house needs to be cleaned. I have an immense amount of emotion connected with the messiness of my house. I have some deep-seated beliefs about the importance of tidiness, which may or may not be founded in truth. Here's the problem (which most of you already know)--I am not a tidy person. So basically, I go through every day with a cloud hanging over me telling me I am no good because my house is messy. In the past, I have ignored these feelings, or eaten something yummy to make me feel better. I have been working on changing those habits, and that leaves me to find other ways to cope. One of them is writing, which I am doing now :)

When I get in a situation like this, where I have to spend lots of time and energy trying to dig myself out of a pit, literally and figuratively, it can be challenging. So how can I do it? I am still figuring this out for myself. I have to take my own advice here. For one, I need to look at the situation and ask myself if I am looking at things from the bright side. Remember that post a while back? Are things really as bad as I feel like they are? Is the pit really as deep as I am making it out to be? I also need to ask myself if the beliefs I have about the tidiness of my house are true. If they aren't true, then I need to learn to let go  of them. For example, on a bad day, I tell myself that I am a bad person because my house isn't clean. I tell myself that all other women have clean houses, and that I am the only woman who can't pull it off. I tell myself that my husband should not have to help around the house, and that I am an inadequate homemaker because he has to help me. I tell myself that I should be able to do all of this by myself. You can see how believing these things can make me feel overwhelmed, and why I try to ignore these feelings instead of dealing with them.

So what now? I think the best thing for me to do today is to tell myself some true things, and to think about everything that I am grateful for. So here goes. I know that I am not perfect, and that's okay, because I don't need to be. I am grateful that I have a loving husband who wants to help me around the house. I am grateful for opportunities to improve myself by doing hard things, which include cleaning the house as well as accepting my imperfection. I am grateful that I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful new son-in-law who are coming to see me today. I am grateful that I have a warm home to live in, that is full of love. I am grateful that we have sufficient money to have lots of stuff to clutter up our lives. I am grateful for my five wonderful children who contribute to the mess around my house. We may not be very good at cleaning, but we have a great time together. My family loves me even though the house isn't perfectly clean. And although the house isn't completely clean, we have made immense amounts of progress.

And so, I'm going to go get in the car and go pick up my daughter and her hubby. And we're going to have a wonderful, happy, imperfect 10 days together. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and a happy and joy-filled new year.

Weigh-in and an invitation

Wow, things are busy these days! I did weigh in on Friday, and my weight stayed the same last week. I have to say, staying steady in December is okay with me. I love the holidays and I love to eat, so I'm not going to be excessively strict right now. I am still using the Arbonne protein shakes and supplements, because they really help me feel well. But I am having some yummy, not-so-low-in-calories things here and there as well. :)

I was thinking about how supportive you have all been in this process, and how much that has meant to me. Thank you! Then I decided that I would like to invite any of you who might be interested to join me on my transformation journey. Maybe you want to change your body or your house like me. Or maybe there is something else you'd like to work on. Regardless, I would love your company. I think we can all benefit from hearing one another's stories and uplifting each other. 

I know some people like to start a weight loss program at the first of the year. If that's you and you're interested, I'd happily share my Arbonne consultant discount with you, at least for the first month, if you'd like to give the Arbonne program a try. It may not be for everyone, but I really like it. It's definitely a system that fits into my life and makes me feel healthy and strong. If you'd like to learn more about it, feel free to message me or leave a comment on the blog.

I will try to post one more time this week. I feel like writing about gratitude. My daughter and her new hubby are coming on Friday, so it's going to be crazy for a little while. I'm so excited that they are coming for Christmas! 

Have a wonderful day! 

Weekly weigh-in--finally!

I have been so busy with holiday stuff, I haven't had time to post! But on Friday I weighed in at 214. That's 11 pounds down so far. I'm glad I am continuing to make progress.

I have a friend who started a Facebook "biggest loser" competition for over the holidays, and I joined in on that. One more thing to help keep me motivated to make progress.

I have an appointment with my surgeon on Thursday. I am always a little bit nervous about seeing him, but it's important for me to go get my hernia checked out. I'm going to ask him about getting the surgery done before I travel to Europe in March. We'll see what he says.

Life is crazy busy. Gotta run! Have a great week!

The Importance of Leading the Way

I have written before about how I tend to ignore things that need to get done and to escape from my real life in order to come with stress. Unfortunately, this is a habit that I have passed on to my kids. We spend too much time in escape mode, playing when we should be working, putting things off, and procrastinating till it's almost too late, which really creates more stress. I am in the process of trying to retrain myself and my kids to respond to stress by acting, not by escaping.

I was talking to my daughter the other night. She's almost 18 now. I have about six months left with her in my home. We were talking about how changing is hard, and doing new things is hard.  As we talked about dealing with the stress of doing hard things, I was reminded of how I need to go first and show her the way. If I want to be a good leader, I have to give her something to follow. When I lead the way for her, even if the path is hard, she can follow in my footsteps, making her path a little easier. As she shared some of her fears, I told her that I will help her, and I will go with her as she tries to make positive changes in her life that are scary.

Change is hard. But it's usually a good thing. It stretches us and causes us to reach and grow. I want to show my kids the good that comes from stretching and growing. I want to show them that even though something is hard, it can still be done. I want to show them what it looks like and feels like to face the scary things and beat them. And when I've done that, I can take their hands and lead the way as they find the courage to make positive changes in their own lives.

Today is a recommitment day for me. I am recommitting to my weight loss program, my job as an Arbonne consultant, my family, my home, my church responsibilities, and my happiness. My list of things to do is ridiculously long, but even if I don't get it all done, I intend to make a good dent in it. I am learning not to expect perfection from myself, just a good effort. Because I sometimes get off track, I end up having to recommit myself relatively frequently, but that's okay, as long as I keep trying. Here's to another day of enjoying the journey. Have a blessed day. :)

Weekly Weigh-In, and staying calm

I am trending downward this week, which is good. I am determined that December will be a good month for me in terms of weight loss, as well as other areas of self-improvement.

My house is getting more organized. I tackled the "office" area last weekend, and it's much more functional now. I catalogued my Arbonne inventory and organized it on a shelf in the storage room. I have lots of paperwork to sift through, which takes time, but not so much space.

We have started decorating for Christmas, which I love to do. It looks like we should be able to get our tree up this weekend. Then it will really feel festive! I will post a video when the house is clean/decorated, so there is an "after" video to go with the "before" video I posted earlier!

One thing I have noticed about myself is that when I have weight loss deadlines (so to speak), I get anxious. This is a problem, since my usual method of coping with anxiety is to eat. One of the deadlines that causes me the most anxiety is my appointment with my surgeon. I have actually postponed my visit with him twice since the summer, hoping that I can lose more weight before I meet with him, and not feel so ashamed of myself. The fact of the matter is, I want to get this hernia surgery taken care of, and he has said he wants me to lose a certain amount of weight before he will do it. So, since I'm feeling okay, I just push back the appointment, hoping that I will lose a sufficient amount of weight before we meet again. Well, I have another appointment on December 13. I have decided that I will go to this one, no matter what. It's good for me to let him evaluate my health as well. My goal is to get the surgery done before I go to Rome in March. But I will need to have it done several weeks in advance of that trip in order to heal up. That puts me around the middle of January. With about 25 pounds to lose before I am "skinny" enough, that's going to be hard, especially at the rate I've been going. But what I need to do to manage my anxiety is to shift my thinking a little bit.

The anxiety really comes from feeling ashamed of not accomplishing more. But I can take a step back and say, "Maybe I could have lost the weight by now, but I haven't. Regardless, I'm moving in the right direction. I can't go back in time, but I can make decisions today that will help me to get where I want to be, eventually."

I'm really not sure how fast I can lose weight. I'm not sure I can lose it fast enough to get the surgery done before the trip. But I need not feel ashamed of myself. It doesn't help anything. What helps is for me to make the choices today that point me in the right direction and keep me making progress. If I'm heading the right direction, and I'm moving, I will eventually get where I want to be.

Why I love my job :)

I absolutely love my job. I actually have lots of different jobs and responsibilities. But today I am referring specifically to my job as an Arbonne consultant. I love my job for lots of reasons. Let me see if I can articulate them. 

For starters, I really do love the Arbonne products. I wouldn’t have decided to become a consultant if I didn’t. They do what they are supposed to do. But that’s the obvious reason. The deeper reason I love my job is because of who it helps me to become. 

I really admire the people I work with. I have met so many amazing people through Arbonne! They really inspire me. And when we get together, we have the best time! The culture of Arbonne is all about giving and sharing and helping each other succeed, which I love. It’s not competitive at all. In some work settings, in order for one person to succeed, others have to fail. It’s not like that at all in Arbonne. I always leave an Arbonne gathering feeling inspired and motivated to be my best self. 

The men and women who are successful in Arbonne have several qualities in common. They are confident and outgoing. They have a positive attitude. They carry themselves well, and are really put together. They know who they are and where they are going, and they do what it takes to get there. I think these are really good qualities, and I like the idea of possessing them myself. One of the really important things I have learned in my short journey as an Arbonne consultant is that it is in the process of doing my job that I become that kind of person. ANYONE can be successful as an Arbonne consultant, including me. That’s what I’ve learned. Some people have more of these qualities when they start out, and they might succeed a little faster than others. But that’s okay. As I do what is required of me to be successful, I acquire the attributes I described above. The inverse is true as well. As I strive to be more positive, more confident and outgoing, I am more successful in my work. The reason that the people who are successful in Arbonne have those characteristics in common is because they have gone through the process that I am going through right now. It is a process of becoming someone new, of changing, of transforming. 

I’ve said it before, but I love this process. I am so excited to improve myself and become a better version of me. On the days when I am pushing myself and growing, I feel a sense of lightness, which is a great feeling. 

Have a great week!

Weekly Weigh-in, and a large dose of perspective

After a week of eating in restaurants, traveling, a wedding reception and Thanksgiving dinner, not surprisingly, my weight and measurements are up a bit. Time to get back on the wagon.

This week has changed my perspective on life a bit. I think it's pretty common that big life events do that. Whether it is a birth, a marriage, a death, or other significant event, there often comes with it a recollection of what is truly important in life.

As most of you already know, my daughter was married this week. The week began with our family traveling to Utah for the occasion. We stayed in the home of Troy's brother and his family. They have four girls, and our kids love to interact with each other. We were reunited with our daughter Dana and her fiancé Cameron. We spent time together, we laughed and had fun, and we scrambled around to tie up any loose ends before the wedding. We visited with other aunts. uncles and cousins, and were introduced to and reacquainted with several of Cameron's family members as well.

In our faith, marriage is more than just a uniting of a man and woman in this life. It involves several sacred covenants with God and binds a couple to one another and to God for eternity. It can only be entered into after demonstrating through one's actions a strong commitment to living God's laws. It represents what amounts to passing through the final door that leads to the path of eternal life. I guess my point is that this is a big deal in Dana's life.

One of the privileges of this week was being able to see Dana and Cameron together. They are a wonderful example of what true love looks like. They despair whenever there is a moment that they have to let go of one another's hand. Their faces are glowing with love and joy. We teased them as we took photos after the wedding that they needed to work on having a look of genuine happiness. At one point, Cameron's aunt leaned over to his brother Andrew and said, "Cameron's going to go through his quota of kisses for the day," to which Andrew replied, "Oh, no. He got the unlimited plan."

Our week culminated with Thanksgiving dinner at Troy's parents' home, with all of his family (minus Dana and Cameron, of course).

In lieu of telling you every amazing moment, I will tell you some things that I was reminded of this week. For starters, family is one of the most important things we have in this life. Our family relationships make up who we are, and they extend into eternity. There is true joy to be found in these relationships, especially if we treat each other well and look for the good in each other. Also, there is nothing more uplifting than witnessing true love in action. It is a refreshing testament to what is really important in life.

As I went through the week, my worldly cares disappeared from my view. I was completely focused on family and the joy that comes from these relationships. As I have arrived home, I find myself not wanting to enter back into the world that I was in when I left. I know I have to, of course. So now I want to figure out a way to keep that joy with me and bring it into my everyday life, instead of leaving it behind. I can't say that I've figured out how to do that, but I am going to try. It makes my daily reflection time take on new importance. Reflecting on the joy I felt this week will give me an opportunity to remember what is important each day. Perhaps by doing that, I will treat my children with more love and kindness, be more patient with my husband, and be more willing to do things for others. If I can do that, I know that I will have more joy in my everyday life.

And so, I jump back into my life today, somewhat reluctantly, but eager to make every day feel a little more like a special day filled with joy and love.

Weekly Weigh-In!

I am up a half a pound this week. I'm not at all surprised, because of the time of the month and because I didn't always make the best food choices this week. I'm still working on that, and I'm sure I always will be. But I'm making improvements.

Some things I have learned, or have been reminded of, so far:

• There are ups and downs, but the idea is to keep moving generally in the right direction.
• Even as I become more comfortable with myself, I have to remember to keep pushing myself. I can accept myself for who I am and still work to improve myself.
• Real change is hard. I should expect it to be hard.
• Real change doesn't happen from wishing and hoping--it happens when I do something.
• Deciding to make a change and planning to make a change are only the beginning. I then have to ACT.
• Don't discount the positive. It's not helpful. Discounting the negative, however, can be helpful.
• It's okay to give myself credit and feel good about the good things I do, even if I don't do EVERYTHING right.

I will probably do my weekly weigh-in on Thursday next week, because I am leaving to go to my daughter's wedding!!! Have a great week, everyone!!!

Homemaking--The Fine Art of Moving Stuff Around

One day it occurred to me...when I am cleaning my house, I am just moving stuff around. I move the dirty dishes from the table to the sink, to the dishwasher. I move the clean dishes from the dishwasher to the cabinet. I move the dirty laundry from my kids’ floors (usually) to the hamper. I move the hamper to the laundry room. I move the clothes from the hamper to the washer, to the dryer. I fold the clothes and move them to the kids’ rooms, where they hopefully get moved to a drawer or closet. Of course, they will soon be moved out of the drawer and onto their bodies, then back onto the floor. I move toys from the floor to the shelf. I move bed sheets. I move throw pillows from the floor to the couch. I move groceries from the store shelf to the cart, from the cart to the conveyor, from the conveyor to bags. I move the bags from the cart to the car to the kitchen. I move the food from the bags to the cabinets and the fridge, then take them out to make them into dinner or school lunches. I move the dirt on the floor by moving a broom. I move more dirt with a vacuum cleaner, a dust rag, a mop, a toilet brush. You get the idea. I know...you got it a long time ago. :)

So what’s the point of all of this moving stuff around? Is there a point? Once I move it, it’s going to get out of place, and I’m going to have to move it again. Nevertheless, I argue that there absolutely is a point to all of this. There is a great purpose to what we do as homemakers. 

What we are doing when we do all of this moving of stuff is creating order out of chaos. We are order artists! We are creative geniuses! Put that on your next resumé! I think that things naturally tend toward chaos, and that order has to be created. I also think that order is a Godly attribute. At the very least, it brings peace to a situation or space, don’t you think? So as we daily, repeatedly move our stuff around, we are creating an environment of order that blesses the lives of our family members, and ourselves, I might add. So next time you are immersed in the tedium of folding laundry or cleaning out the fridge, remember that you are doing a great work. You are creating order out of chaos. You are creating a masterpiece! And then smile. :)

My next big challenge--learning to take care of my house

Have you ever seen the show Clean Sweep or Clean House? Well, today's post is my "before" video of my house. I am not a good housekeeper. At home, I focus on relationships and ignore our physical surroundings. I have decided that I want to do a better job of taking care of the house. It will help our family in so many ways. Some women have to nag their husbands to help around the house. That is not the case with us! Troy is much tidier than me, and the clutter causes him stress. So it's much more likely that he is the one to encourage us to do some cleaning. I appreciate that I don't have to nag, and I appreciate his willingness to work around the house. He never sits to watch a game unless he's folding laundry or multi-tasking in some way. But I also have a lot of guilt about my shortcomings as a homemaker. This process of becoming a better homemaker is as much a psychological issue for me as it is an issue of managing the stuff in our home. I felt a little bit like an exhibitionist making this video. Like maybe I shouldn't be bringing you into this part of my life. But I also know how much I have benefitted from sharing my physical challenges, and the support I have received. So I decided to go for it. Being open is a very important part of my transformation process. Thank you all for your support!

Weekly Weigh-in! A conversation with my future self

Hello all! I posted my changes for the last week--two more pounds down! Considering it was the week of Halloween, and I ate more candy than I thought I would, I was happy. There is still candy in the house, so I am practicing strengthening my resolve and reminding myself what I REALLY want. In theory, I am 1/10 of the way to my goal. The goal is kind of arbitrary--I may find that I am happy at a weight that is higher than 125. I'll have to wait and see. Although 1/10 may seem like a small fraction, I think it's helpful for me to look at how far I've come. If my journey was from Ann Arbor to San Francisco, I would be around Chicago now. So I've made a significant dent. And I'm on my way, which I wasn't a month ago. :)

I made a video on Friday but haven't posted it yet because of technical difficulties, or technical incapabilities. :) I'll put it up when I figure it out.

One of my friends suggested I have a conversation with my future self, like they sometimes do on The Biggest Loser. If any of you are fans of The Office, you might remember Jim's prank where he sent faxes to Dwight from Future Dwight. That's what I thought of when I thought of doing this. :) What I've decided to to do is write a little note from me to my future self, and one from the perspective of my future self to myself now. I think it's valuable to look at the future as though it has already arrived, so my mind can visualize and grasp what I am trying to become. And so...

Dear Future Suzy,

I'm on my way to meet you, and I'm so excited! I can't wait to meet you and get to know you better. I bet we have a lot in common. I've heard lots of great things about you. Sometimes this journey seems like it's going a little slow for my liking. But I know that I can't meet you until I travel this path. Sometimes the road is smooth and easy, and other times it's really steep, and I feel like I'm even slipping backwards. Thankfully, I eventually get my footing and press forward again. I've also noticed that as I move along, I am becoming stronger, and things that were once hard for me seem a little bit easier. One thing I'm certain of is that we will eventually meet up. I know this because I already decided that I won't stop until I get there. I will keep moving along, and I will hurry if I can. See you soon!

Yours truly,

Suzy

And the reply...

Dear Suzy,

I am proud of you for making this arduous trip. I know that you will make it! You are growing stronger and brighter every day as you make choices to improve your life. Real change is not easy. But with each difficult choice you make, and as each day passes, you are coming closer to where I am. It is an uphill climb, but the view from up here is amazing! You will feel like you're so high up that your feet hardly touch the ground. Life still has its challenges up here, but the strength that you gain through the journey will enable you to do things that you could never imagine you would be able to do. Sometimes you will feel like it would be easier to just give up and go back. Don't ever give up! I know that you can make it. You will feel more like your real self here than you've ever felt before in your whole life. So keep it up, and I'll be with you soon!

Lots of love,

Future Suzy

Have a great week! :)

After four weeks...weigh-in! Looking on the Bright Side

Hello all! I am down one pound this week, with a very slight improvement in some of my other numbers. You can check on my results in the box on the lower right entitled Success Log.

Although I'm glad that the numbers are still going down, I can see things to work on this week. I am going to work on eating better meals, with more nutrient-rich foods, and making a conscious effort to plan those meals, as opposed to just grabbing what's convenient. In some ways I am obsessed with food, and in other ways, I really don't pay enough attention to it. So I would like to continue to learn to make very deliberate food choices, as opposed to eating mindlessly. I am also going to try drinking more water. I drink about 8 cups of water a day. I am going to try to get about 12 cups in each day and see how that affects things. I am also planning on ramping up my exercise. I did a little bit better this past week, and it felt good. So I will try doing a little more. Last week, I did some relatively gentle aerobic and resistance training, using a step and hand weights. I will probably also use my FIRM fitness videos and Just Dance 3.

I would also like to post on this blog more often. That requires me to think of something to say, which takes time and effort. But that is time and effort well spent, because it helps me focus and make progress mentally and spiritually.

I am a firm believer that attitude is 99% of the battle in life. I truly believe that thinking positively can affect everything that you do, and flow over into the lives of others through your relationships. I am also a seeker of truth, so I'm not talking about telling yourself things that aren't true. I'm talking about looking at the bright side of things. Think about what that phrase means--"look on the bright side."When I take it literally, I am talking about viewing an object from the side where the light is shining on it. Does an object look different on that side than it does on the shadowy side? Absolutely. Is it still the same object? Of course it is. Is it more likely that I am going to see that thing as it ACTUALLY IS when looking at the illuminated side? Definitely. When we look at things from the bright side, we are seeing them in a clearer, more true way.  When our view is shrouded in darkness, we can't see things for what they really are. When we allow ourselves to view the world illuminated, we are much more likely to find joy in what we are doing. I highly recommend doing this with people as well. Look for people's good qualities, and just ignore the bad ones. We all have them, after all. Would you want people to only pay attention to your bad qualities? I sure wouldn't.

Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to look on the bright side of things. It can be absolutely life-changing. Simply taking a few moments each day to think of the good things in your life can change your whole outlook. One thing I've been doing lately is using an online service called grateful160.com. Each day, I receive an email with "What are you grateful for?" in the subject line. I hit reply and type a few sentences. At the end of the week, I get a summary email. I can also have my online journal made into a book, if I choose. There is a fee associated with the service, but I thought it was worth a few dollars to remind myself to be grateful.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! I intend to as well. My daughter Sarah was kind enough to hide the Halloween candy, so it's out of sight and out of mind! I hope that you'll be hearing from me again soon, and I'd love to hear from you! <3

Putting Perfectionism in its Proper Place!

I am a self-proclaimed perfectionist. You’d think that in dealing with something I wrote my Master’s thesis on, I’d have a better handle on it. But alas, this is not the case. One of my greatest struggles  in my life (thus far) is perfectionism. Again, I don’t want to bother delving into how I got this way. It’s not worth it. But basically, sometimes I really struggle with accepting myself in my flawed form. I’m not even talking about my physical form. I’m talking about who I am, and what I do. One major problem with this is that it is in contradiction to my beliefs. Deep down, I believe that I am a good person, that I (like everyone) am imperfect, but that’s okay, and that we all make mistakes, and we should be forgiving of ourselves and others. But when it comes to actually forgiving myself (and sometimes others) I struggle. I have episodes of irrationality that are totally counterproductive.

I’ll give you an example. On Monday, I decided we should go get pumpkins, cider and doughnuts. There is a place we love to go, but it’s about 20 minutes away. I asked Troy to come home early from work so we could go together. I looked on the website and saw that they were open till 6 Tuesday through Sunday. Remember, this is on Monday. We drove down there in rush hour traffic, so it took about a half hour, and they were closed. Only then did I remember that the website said Tuesday through Sunday. No one else was upset by this turn of events, but I was beside myself. The first thing I did (and that I always do) was blame myself and tell myself that I am stupid, and ask myself how could I be so stupid. Then I told myself that I wasted an hour of everyone’s time, and Troy had come home early just so we could go, so I wasted an hour of his work time. I said, "I’m sure I am the only mom who ever does stupid things like this, and that all the other moms totally have their act together and would never do such a stupid thing as I have done." I was filled with regret and shame.

Note my use of the word stupid multiple times. This is what goes on in my head. Can you believe how abusive I am to myself? I would never say something like this to another person. I only do it to myself. Thankfully, it doesn’t last forever. Somehow I am able to calm down and the wave of irrationality passes. It may take a while, depending on how tsunami-like the wave is, and sometimes the wave leaves residual floods of depression in its wake. But I usually get over it within a few minutes to a few hours.

Why am I telling you this? Mostly because it’s what has been going on in my life this week. And because it’s therapeutic for me to write it out. Don’t you just love being privy to my self-therapy sessions? :) Of course, it affects me, so it affects my choices and how I am feeling. My success in making changes in my life is strongly dependent on my attitude. It is imperative that I do all I can to stay positive and quite honestly, to love myself in my present form. I won’t be able to succeed unless I can do that first. If I foster self-loathing now, I will not love myself anymore when I am healthier. And the likelihood of ever making significant life changes while nursing feelings of self-loathing is probably nonexistent.

So now, in my current, more rational state of mind, I will tell you that I know that I am a person of great worth. And that has nothing to do with my accomplishments or choices. It is simply a truth about people. We are all of great worth. I know that no one is perfect, and I should not expect myself to be perfect. That being said, I should not expect anyone else to be perfect (including my spouse!) and no one else should expect me to be perfect. Despite the fact that I sometimes make mistakes, I can forgive myself, and I can be forgiving of others. I can love and care for myself the same way that I would for my husband and children. And if I’m not doing that very well, I can keep trying to do better. The times when I feel the most at peace are the times when I recognize that this is a process of becoming a better version of myself. I have limitless potential to be good and to do good things. There will be bumps along the road. If I elevate my thinking, the bumps look smaller and don’t throw me off track as much.

Thanks for listening. :)

Weekly Weigh-In!

My weight is the same this week as it was last week. I saw some improvement in a couple of my measurements, which you can see on the Success Log on the right bar.

Having this week where I didn't lose pounds brings a lot of things to my mind. For starters, it made me feel a little bit anxious about writing this post and telling all of you that I didn't lose any weight. Knowing that between 200 and 300 people are reading the blog, I was a little bit hesitant to admit that I didn't have a great week. But I realize how important it is for me to be very honest and straight-forward in this process. A big part of this is that by being honest with you, I am honest with myself. Despite the fact that I am fighting my usual impulses to hide myself because I feel ashamed, I can remind myself that I really don't need to be ashamed. That kind of shame is only the result of thinking that I need to be perfect or that I need to live up to some arbitrary standard. I know that neither of those things are true. So that thought brings me relief from my shame and courage to write this post.

So why didn't I lose weight this week? I didn't do as good of a job at choosing my foods that I ate other than the program foods. That's one of the biggest challenges for me in this whole thing--choosing good food for myself. I didn't exercise as much as I wanted to. I didn't spend much time on personal reflection as I like to do. That really helps me a lot, I think. It helps me to focus and remember what I'm trying to accomplish. I also didn't manage my stress very well. I have a lot going on these days (as we all do), and I need to manage my stress in healthy ways. Two things I already mentioned, exercise and reflection, help a lot with stress.

So this week, some things I would like to do better include getting more exercise, spending more time in personal reflection, and planning my meals better. I think that I will also try not weighing myself until next Friday. This is a tough one for me. I'm sort of a compulsive weigher, with all of my other compulsions. I put way too much emotional stock in the number on the scale. It can change my mood for the day and affect my motivation. But I know that the number on the scale doesn't matter as much as healthy habits, so I will focus on those instead. I will also try to post more on the blog. Please feel free to comment and share. It helps! Have a great week!

How my Faith Fits Into All of This

Most of you probably know I am a religious person. I don't intend for this blog to be about my religion, but I can't talk about myself without talking about it. It is so much a part of who I am. For any who don't already know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm a Mormon.

So here are some thoughts about how my faith affects this whole process. It's really about what my fundamental beliefs are, and how those affect my choices. For starters, I believe that I am a child of a loving Father who knows me personally and wants me to succeed in every good thing in my life. He gave me a physical body so that I could experience this world, and so that I could be challenged, and so that I can grow. I believe that my purpose in life is to take this body he has given me and learn to be in control of it and use it for good things, like serving others and making the world a better place. We all have amazing potential as human beings to use our bodies for good. God is watching us to see what we will do, and he is there to help us on our journey if we ask for help. And one of the most important things God has given us is agency, or the freedom to make our own choices. I'm in charge of my body and what I do with it. Have you every heard anyone say, "This is just the way I am," as an excuse for some character flaw? Well, I prefer not to use that excuse. I make my own choices, and I get to decide who I'm going to be.

Being human can be hard. All people have a physical weakness or challenge of one kind or another. Some may have disabilities. Some may have illnesses. Some may be tempted by alcohol or other substances, while some achieve amazing things with their body, like Olympic athletes and mommies. There are a million ways to use or misuse your body for good or bad, for joy or misery, to bless others or to hurt others. This might be a good spot for me to express that I also believe that we have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who knows exactly how we feel all of the time, because he has felt it for us. He knows what it feels like to struggle with a temptation, an addiction, abuse, or any other physical or emotional pain we feel, because he felt it too. That way, he has perfect empathy. When I am struggling and I think, "This is really hard!" I imagine him saying to me, "I know, right? But I know you can beat this. I'm here to help you."

I believe that physical appetites are meant to be overcome and controlled. When our children are little, we teach them not to hit and bite. We teach them to clean their rooms or go out to play when they would rather sit and watch TV. We encourage them to study and develop their talents. We try to teach them to eat healthy food, as opposed to always eating the stuff that tastes the best. We encourage them to be kind, to share, and to serve others, rather than only taking care of themselves. These are all ways in which we teach them to overcome or control their physical bodies.

This part is important: When I make choices to control my bodily appetites and tendencies, and to let my spirit be stronger than my body, I know that I grow closer to God. It strengthens me and makes me a better person. Did any of you see the movie Wall-E? Remember the people who lived in the space station? I feel like them sometime. They were nice, good people, but no one taught them the importance of caring for their bodies. They were weakened because of lack of exercise. Our bodies and our spirits work the same way. Both can be exercised and strengthened. When we stretch ourselves to do hard things, both physically and spiritually, we gain strength and we grow in our capacity to do more.

In many ways, I know that God is pleased with the things that I have done in my life, and the things that I do. But when it comes to the way I have neglected the health of my body, I know that I can do better. Some people in my situation would get gastric bypass surgery. That's their choice and that's fine. But I have decided that I won't do something like that. The main reason is because I look forward to the personal spiritual growth that I can gain as I do this very hard thing. There have been times when this idea was very scary for me, like jumping off a cliff or something. Thanks to you and your support, it doesn't feel that way this time. It's more like simply moving forward one step at a time. As I learn to be in control of my body and let my spirit choose what is best for me, I know that I will grow as a person and become stronger. Every time I make a hard choice, I can feel myself getting a tiny bit stronger. And I don't expect myself to be perfect. I just want to keep making progress in the right direction. I actually get excited when I think about this process. I am eager to become that stronger version of me. I look forward to further opportunities to do good because I will have become a better Suzy. And I know that my Father is cheering me on, every step of the way.

Weekly Weigh-in!

Well, I'm down another three pounds this week. One thing I'm pretty excited about is that it seems to be coming off of my waist. I'm not seeing the same drop in my hips, which doesn't surprise me, because of my gigantic hernia. But it's coming off a little bit there. I think that if I increase my exercise (which has been minimal), I will see more progress in inches lost.

It's hard for me not to be in a hurry to see the numbers change. If you feel like your life is passing you by too quickly, I highly recommend trying to lose weight. It makes time go by VERY slowly!!! Even the time between meals can seem like a long time on some days. I have to say, though, that on this program, I am never hungry. The protein shakes are very satisfying for me, and fill me up for three to four hours, no problem. I have to remind myself that it's time to eat!

Right now is a really good time for me to be trying to lose weight, because my daughter's wedding is approaching, making time go by too quickly. The diet helps balance the time out a little bit! 39 more days till the wedding. Of course, I wish I were a size 6, but right now, I'm just shooting for a 16. I have a cute dress in a 16 petite. I definitely need to lose more weight, or I will have to find a different one that is more flattering to my shape. And that just means I get to go shopping again!

I have to say, I'm really feeling great! Other than a couple of off days, my body has been giving me less trouble. I have had less pain and discomfort associated with my hernia and bowel issues, which has been a huge blessing. I feel good when I do all the right things, like eat small amounts, drink lots of water, and get exercise. I think avoiding dairy products has helped me a lot too, just in terms of my digestive system working better.

Any Lord of the Rings fans out there? I think Frodo's journey is a good example of a goal like this. You go into it knowing it's going to be hard, and it's kind of scary. And it's a long journey with lots of ups and downs. But you know it's the right thing to do, so you make the decision to do it. And surrounded by your friends who support you, you head off toward your goal, not really knowing all that you will encounter, but knowing that it is attainable. Sometime in the future (for Frodo it was 6 months, for me, probably longer), I will be looking back on this experience as something that happened in my past. I will get my surgery done to fix my hernias, and that will also be in my past. And I will be looking forward to lots of new experiences and adventures, which life always brings.

Thank you again for your support and encouragement. Keep reading and commenting! It helps me to know you are there watching me!!! Have a great day! :)

Two Definitions of Hunger

Really for my whole life, hunger has meant two different things. One definition is the one that has to do with food--when your tummy is empty and starts to rumble, and you feel a little weak. I haven't felt this kind of hunger all that often in my life. Mostly because the other kind of hunger is stronger for me.

My second definition of hunger is an urge to eat. This feeling has been much more predominant in my life. From quite an early age, food took on an additional role for me. It was not just for nourishing my body. It was also for feeding my compulsive urges. I love to eat. It makes me happy. I have an emotional attachment to food. This is probably true for everyone to some degree. But for me, the urge to eat is stronger than pretty much all other desires of any kind in my life. It has been stronger than my desire to take care of my body.

I'm not an expert on OCD, but I know that it affects me. It could be a lot worse than it is, but it's a real thing for me. A simple definition is that when we feel anxious, we find ways of coping with that anxiety. We come up with activities or behaviors which calm us, at least temporarily. Some of them end up being sort of productive, like cleaning or exercising. Sometimes I wish I had chosen one of those as my coping behavior, but I'm not really serious in that wish. I don't think having any compulsive behavior is a good thing.

I can remember events from my childhood that I knew, even at the time, were not very good. Once when I was twelve, I went to a birthday party that involved going to pizza and a movie. Pizza was, and still is, my favorite food. One problem I have is stopping eating when it's something I really like. So when there was plenty of pizza to go around, I just kept eating. Sometime in the night (it was a sleepover), I had to go in the bathroom and be sick because I was so full.

Another time, I was probably sixteen, and I was driving home alone. I decided to stop and get an ice cream cone. I got it, and I ate it, but I wasn't satisfied. I wanted another one. I was too ashamed to go into the ice cream shop and buy another one, so I went across the street to a convenience store and got a soft serve cone instead. I had real problems controlling my urge to eat. And I was secretive and sneaky about it.

It doesn't really matter why I am a compulsive eater or how I got this way. It is what it is. I'm not implying that people shouldn't get help for this kind of disorder. My point is this: I am at a point in my life where I am making a real effort to change my behaviors. I have changed my behavior before, but only temporarily. This blog is giving me a new opportunity to make a permanent change. Part of making a permanent change, in my mind, is practicing new habits long enough to make them stick, and to feel what life is like with the new habits.

I hope you realize how important you all are in this equation. It really does make a difference for me that you know I am doing this, and that you are cheering for me. And the more times I say no to a brownie at choir practice or a slice of pizza at a party, the more I will make these habits part of who I really am. I am learning to manage my anxiety in healthier ways. I know this, because that hunger I have often felt is really not an issue right now. This freedom allows me to practice making healthy choices without my compulsion making the choice for me.

One time, the former leader of our church, Gordon B. Hinckley, said that compulsion is the opposite of agency. That was an eye-opening idea for me. It made me realize that when I succumb to my compulsions, I am giving up my agency. I don't want to give up my agency. I want to take it back. I know that each time I feel a compulsive urge, I have a choice to make. I can listen to it or I can make a more rational choice. I am learning to do that. And it feels good.

Welcome to the Halftime Report

You know in a football game how at halftime, the coach takes the team into the locker room, reviews how things have been going, and gives them some advice and motivation for the second half? Meanwhile, the commentators will review the first half and make their recommendations for the second half? Well, I was thinking to myself today...What if I found out that my life was exactly half over today? What would I change? What would I continue to do? How would I want the second half of my life to look? It seems like we usually ask things like, "What would you do if you had one day, or one year, to live?" I'm 44 right now. If I knew I was going to be fortunate enough to live to be 88 years old, how would that affect my thinking?

I'm a big fan of looking forward. Not that I don't look back sometimes. I do it too much, I think. Although my past has made me who I am today, I think it's best for me to take what I've learned and apply it to my present to create a future that I am happy with. I often remind myself that, no matter what my past has held, when I get up each day, it's me who has to make choices for myself in the present moment. No amount of blaming others for our present situation or wishing things were different will change the fact that we are the decision makers. And so, I try to remember this idea as I move forward.

So, in the spirit of looking forward, and not back, I will ask myself this question: Where do I want to go that I haven't gone yet? Who do I want to be that I haven't been yet? Which parts of me do I like and want to keep? Which parts need some tweaking?

I like the fact that I like learning and growing. So even if there are things that I like about myself, I am always interested in improving. For example, I think I'm a pretty good listener, and I like to lend an ear to people who need one. But I'm sure I can improve at that as well. I love learning languages. Perhaps I will try to become fluent in a foreign language. I definitely want to learn to take better care of my body. I am learning that right now. I love playing sports, so perhaps I will take up some sports in my second half. I love reading books and acquiring knowledge on all different subjects. I think I would like to read more. One thing I'm just not good at is housekeeping. My house is a wreck--I kid you not. That is something I would really like to do better at in the second half of my life. I would like to be better at being kind and not thinking bad things about others. When Troy's grandmother passed away, a woman said at her funeral that she had never heard her utter an unkind word about another person. What a wonderful example to try to live up to! I love my family and enjoy all of them daily. I would want to do all that I could to help the joy I feel in those relationships to continue.

I'm sure I could go on for a very long time, but I will spare you my ramblings. My little exercise here motivates me, and gives me a sense of renewed purpose. I know that all of us have amazing amounts of untapped potential. I have to admit that nothing is quite as exciting for me as imagining the person I have the potential of becoming if I put my mind to it.

Have a great day, and a great second half!

Weekly Weigh-In and My Plan

Some things I'm looking forward to, and some things I know

Things I will be able to do when I’m healthier:

-tie my shoes without turning red in the face

-wrap a regular-sized towel around myself

-put my tray down on an airplane without it touching my tummy

-make the bunk beds

-play soccer

-dance

-ski

-run

-cross my legs

-cross my arms

-touch my toes

-sit on the floor and be comfortable

-shop for clothes in Misses sizes

-go to the pool without feeling self-conscious

-carry the laundry upstairs without feeling like I need to rest afterwards

-play, I mean really play, with my kids

-hug my little ones and have their arms go all the way around me

Although self improvement is always good, there are things in my life that are true today and will never change. For the most part, these are true for everyone.

-I love my family, and my family loves me

-God loves me

-I am beautiful

-I love my friends, and they love me

-I have an amazing support system

-I am of infinite worth

-I have many good qualities

-I am worthy of love and capable of love

The outpouring of love and support I have felt in the past five days has been amazing! I hope this is a lesson for all of us that we should not be afraid to be honest with ourselves and with others. If you are struggling with something, there are people all around you who love you and are ready to help you along your path to where you want to be. Don't be ashamed of not being perfect. No one is. NO ONE IS PERFECT! We shouldn't expect it of ourselves or of anyone else. We all have issues, struggles, problems, and we can help and strengthen each other if we are willing to open up and reach out. Have a great day!

Wait..you've had HOW many surgeries?

I made a video for today, but my videographer is out of town ;), and I'm having a little bit of trouble with it, so I decided to write a post. I mentioned before that I have an abdominal hernia, or two. I wanted to give a brief description of my health challenges right now. Some are related to my weight problem, and some are not. The first time I got a hernia was about 9 years ago. It was right in the middle, above my belly button. I know I had it when I was pregnant with Lizzie, but I don't remember how long I had it before that. Anyway, after she was born, I had a surgery and had it sewn shut, no mesh patch. It wasn't long before it poked through again. I thought about having it repaired then, but for some reason, I decided against it. I lived with it for about 5 years. Then I decided to get it fixed. About that time, I also noticed some other somewhat alarming things going on, which included some blood when I went poop. After too long, really, I went to the doctor and she said we'd get a scope done and check it out. Anybody out there ever had a colonoscopy? Well, the prep is horrible, but the procedure is no big deal. My colon was squeaky clean except for one very large polyp in my sigmoid colon (near the bottom end). They biopsied it and discovered it was pre-cancerous. So it needed to come out. It was too big to remove the usual way of snipping it off. I needed to have a section of my colon removed. Long story short, I couldn't have my hernia repaired with mesh at that time. I had the colon surgery, and they sewed my hernia shut again. After a few months, it was clear that it had opened up again. So I had another surgery to close it up, and put a mesh in this time. It was probably about three months after that surgery that I noticed I was getting another hernia. That was about 15 months ago. About a year ago, I went back to my surgeon. He said that there was just too much fat in my tummy to keep the hernia from recurring. He said I should lose about 50 pounds, or get down to a BMI of 33, before we perform the surgery again. I didn't blame him. He was trying to help me be healthier and have a successful surgery. But I've really only lost about 10 pounds since then. Actually, I've lost five pounds about 10 times, but put it back on over and over again. I'm really good at gaining weight, but not so good at losing it. So the current hernia is my intestines pushing out under the mesh, which has come loose on the side. The hole is about three inches long. I am also contending with some unfortunate problems related to my colon surgery. Some of you may know what stenosis is and what an anastomosis is, but for the rest of us, I'll explain. The spot where they removed a section of my colon has become scarred and shrunken, so my colon is inflexible and only about a centimeter in diameter at that spot, a few inches from the end of the line. In order to keep from being in severe pain, I have to use lots of Benefiber and Miralax to keep things moving through. So that it a daily struggle. Sometimes I eat things that just don't want to cooperate, and it causes me pain for a day or so. I've learned to be more disciplined about what I eat and how much, but it's a challenge. One of my primary motivations for losing the weight is so that I can get my surgery and fix my tummy, and maybe even my colon. I'm sure there will be some fun posts at that time. Well, that is enough about my digestive tract. More excitement tomorrow! :)

Wake up! "...now it is high time to awake out of sleep...” ~Romans 13:11

I have realized that a lot of the time, I am in a place mentally where I am not entirely awake and aware of what I am doing. I'm sure most of you can relate on some level. The relevant example here would be that I wake up in the morning and promise to take care of my body, and then sometime in the afternoon, I find myself eating cookies or pizza or chocolate or whatever. At these times, I have done something contrary to what I wanted for myself. Why did I change my mind? Well, I didn't change my mind. I just wasn't thinking at all, usually. I forgot my goal, or my promise to myself. How could I forget? It was just this morning! Well, I think what happens with me is that I am not really awake--not completely aware of what I am doing, not fully conscious. I'm acting without thinking--I'm distracted. So one of the things I am working on is really being awake. This takes quite a bit of effort. I think it is SO important to have daily personal reflection time, preferably in the morning. This is something I've worked to make a habit over the past few months. On an ideal day, I plan my day, pray, read scriptures or other inspiring literature for a bit (as long as I can get away with), write in my journal, and exercise. You'll notice I said that would be an ideal day. But making my self care a priority is essential to becoming my best self. It's one in the same, really. And the way I spend each day makes up who I am in the future. I am becoming myself every day, so I need to be awake and aware of who I am becoming, all the time. This is one of the goals I am striving for right now. Time to wake up!

My "before" video! YIKES!

Why am I doing this?

A very wise man named Elder Richard G. Scott once said, "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day." I believe this to be absolutely true. This is my success story. I am in the process of becoming someone. I think this is true for everyone. And I am really excited about this idea. I am at a place in my life where I want to not just move in a direction of making progress personally, but I want to run in the direction of that person I am becoming. Who am I becoming, you ask? The answer to this question is different for everyone, of course. I am becoming my best self. That's a very vague answer, and honestly, it has to be, because I believe that my best self is an evolving person. My overall goal is to be my best self on a daily basis. That sounds like a success story to me! My concrete goals are numerous, but in the interest of full disclosure, and as far as this blog is concerned, there are only two: to lose 100 pounds and to become a Regional Vice President with Arbonne. In the interest of keeping this short, I will share the timeline and the details in subsequent posts. This blog is one of the scariest things I have ever done. I am choosing to take my personal life into a very public forum. Why? Well, there are lots of reasons. I hope I can express them in a way that makes sense. But why make it public? One reason is to be accountable to others. If you know I am doing this, it helps me remember that I am doing it. Another reason is for support. I am blessed in my life to be surrounded by people who love me and care about my welfare. There is no question in my mind that my friends will support me. And that gives me strength to do hard things. A third reason is belief. I am embarking on a process that I know works. I believe in it. Actually, I'm not really at the beginning of my journey. I'm just at the beginning of the public part. I know that I will be successful. How do I know? Because I know the people that are surrounding me. They, YOU, won't let me fail. One thing I know to be absolutely true is that you can't fail at something unless you quit trying to succeed. And that is something that I will never do. So, thank you for taking this journey with me. I have so much to be grateful for, and you are one of those things. Let's go!