Two Definitions of Hunger

Really for my whole life, hunger has meant two different things. One definition is the one that has to do with food--when your tummy is empty and starts to rumble, and you feel a little weak. I haven't felt this kind of hunger all that often in my life. Mostly because the other kind of hunger is stronger for me.

My second definition of hunger is an urge to eat. This feeling has been much more predominant in my life. From quite an early age, food took on an additional role for me. It was not just for nourishing my body. It was also for feeding my compulsive urges. I love to eat. It makes me happy. I have an emotional attachment to food. This is probably true for everyone to some degree. But for me, the urge to eat is stronger than pretty much all other desires of any kind in my life. It has been stronger than my desire to take care of my body.

I'm not an expert on OCD, but I know that it affects me. It could be a lot worse than it is, but it's a real thing for me. A simple definition is that when we feel anxious, we find ways of coping with that anxiety. We come up with activities or behaviors which calm us, at least temporarily. Some of them end up being sort of productive, like cleaning or exercising. Sometimes I wish I had chosen one of those as my coping behavior, but I'm not really serious in that wish. I don't think having any compulsive behavior is a good thing.

I can remember events from my childhood that I knew, even at the time, were not very good. Once when I was twelve, I went to a birthday party that involved going to pizza and a movie. Pizza was, and still is, my favorite food. One problem I have is stopping eating when it's something I really like. So when there was plenty of pizza to go around, I just kept eating. Sometime in the night (it was a sleepover), I had to go in the bathroom and be sick because I was so full.

Another time, I was probably sixteen, and I was driving home alone. I decided to stop and get an ice cream cone. I got it, and I ate it, but I wasn't satisfied. I wanted another one. I was too ashamed to go into the ice cream shop and buy another one, so I went across the street to a convenience store and got a soft serve cone instead. I had real problems controlling my urge to eat. And I was secretive and sneaky about it.

It doesn't really matter why I am a compulsive eater or how I got this way. It is what it is. I'm not implying that people shouldn't get help for this kind of disorder. My point is this: I am at a point in my life where I am making a real effort to change my behaviors. I have changed my behavior before, but only temporarily. This blog is giving me a new opportunity to make a permanent change. Part of making a permanent change, in my mind, is practicing new habits long enough to make them stick, and to feel what life is like with the new habits.

I hope you realize how important you all are in this equation. It really does make a difference for me that you know I am doing this, and that you are cheering for me. And the more times I say no to a brownie at choir practice or a slice of pizza at a party, the more I will make these habits part of who I really am. I am learning to manage my anxiety in healthier ways. I know this, because that hunger I have often felt is really not an issue right now. This freedom allows me to practice making healthy choices without my compulsion making the choice for me.

One time, the former leader of our church, Gordon B. Hinckley, said that compulsion is the opposite of agency. That was an eye-opening idea for me. It made me realize that when I succumb to my compulsions, I am giving up my agency. I don't want to give up my agency. I want to take it back. I know that each time I feel a compulsive urge, I have a choice to make. I can listen to it or I can make a more rational choice. I am learning to do that. And it feels good.