Putting Perfectionism in its Proper Place!

I am a self-proclaimed perfectionist. You’d think that in dealing with something I wrote my Master’s thesis on, I’d have a better handle on it. But alas, this is not the case. One of my greatest struggles  in my life (thus far) is perfectionism. Again, I don’t want to bother delving into how I got this way. It’s not worth it. But basically, sometimes I really struggle with accepting myself in my flawed form. I’m not even talking about my physical form. I’m talking about who I am, and what I do. One major problem with this is that it is in contradiction to my beliefs. Deep down, I believe that I am a good person, that I (like everyone) am imperfect, but that’s okay, and that we all make mistakes, and we should be forgiving of ourselves and others. But when it comes to actually forgiving myself (and sometimes others) I struggle. I have episodes of irrationality that are totally counterproductive.

I’ll give you an example. On Monday, I decided we should go get pumpkins, cider and doughnuts. There is a place we love to go, but it’s about 20 minutes away. I asked Troy to come home early from work so we could go together. I looked on the website and saw that they were open till 6 Tuesday through Sunday. Remember, this is on Monday. We drove down there in rush hour traffic, so it took about a half hour, and they were closed. Only then did I remember that the website said Tuesday through Sunday. No one else was upset by this turn of events, but I was beside myself. The first thing I did (and that I always do) was blame myself and tell myself that I am stupid, and ask myself how could I be so stupid. Then I told myself that I wasted an hour of everyone’s time, and Troy had come home early just so we could go, so I wasted an hour of his work time. I said, "I’m sure I am the only mom who ever does stupid things like this, and that all the other moms totally have their act together and would never do such a stupid thing as I have done." I was filled with regret and shame.

Note my use of the word stupid multiple times. This is what goes on in my head. Can you believe how abusive I am to myself? I would never say something like this to another person. I only do it to myself. Thankfully, it doesn’t last forever. Somehow I am able to calm down and the wave of irrationality passes. It may take a while, depending on how tsunami-like the wave is, and sometimes the wave leaves residual floods of depression in its wake. But I usually get over it within a few minutes to a few hours.

Why am I telling you this? Mostly because it’s what has been going on in my life this week. And because it’s therapeutic for me to write it out. Don’t you just love being privy to my self-therapy sessions? :) Of course, it affects me, so it affects my choices and how I am feeling. My success in making changes in my life is strongly dependent on my attitude. It is imperative that I do all I can to stay positive and quite honestly, to love myself in my present form. I won’t be able to succeed unless I can do that first. If I foster self-loathing now, I will not love myself anymore when I am healthier. And the likelihood of ever making significant life changes while nursing feelings of self-loathing is probably nonexistent.

So now, in my current, more rational state of mind, I will tell you that I know that I am a person of great worth. And that has nothing to do with my accomplishments or choices. It is simply a truth about people. We are all of great worth. I know that no one is perfect, and I should not expect myself to be perfect. That being said, I should not expect anyone else to be perfect (including my spouse!) and no one else should expect me to be perfect. Despite the fact that I sometimes make mistakes, I can forgive myself, and I can be forgiving of others. I can love and care for myself the same way that I would for my husband and children. And if I’m not doing that very well, I can keep trying to do better. The times when I feel the most at peace are the times when I recognize that this is a process of becoming a better version of myself. I have limitless potential to be good and to do good things. There will be bumps along the road. If I elevate my thinking, the bumps look smaller and don’t throw me off track as much.

Thanks for listening. :)