After four weeks...weigh-in! Looking on the Bright Side

Hello all! I am down one pound this week, with a very slight improvement in some of my other numbers. You can check on my results in the box on the lower right entitled Success Log.

Although I'm glad that the numbers are still going down, I can see things to work on this week. I am going to work on eating better meals, with more nutrient-rich foods, and making a conscious effort to plan those meals, as opposed to just grabbing what's convenient. In some ways I am obsessed with food, and in other ways, I really don't pay enough attention to it. So I would like to continue to learn to make very deliberate food choices, as opposed to eating mindlessly. I am also going to try drinking more water. I drink about 8 cups of water a day. I am going to try to get about 12 cups in each day and see how that affects things. I am also planning on ramping up my exercise. I did a little bit better this past week, and it felt good. So I will try doing a little more. Last week, I did some relatively gentle aerobic and resistance training, using a step and hand weights. I will probably also use my FIRM fitness videos and Just Dance 3.

I would also like to post on this blog more often. That requires me to think of something to say, which takes time and effort. But that is time and effort well spent, because it helps me focus and make progress mentally and spiritually.

I am a firm believer that attitude is 99% of the battle in life. I truly believe that thinking positively can affect everything that you do, and flow over into the lives of others through your relationships. I am also a seeker of truth, so I'm not talking about telling yourself things that aren't true. I'm talking about looking at the bright side of things. Think about what that phrase means--"look on the bright side."When I take it literally, I am talking about viewing an object from the side where the light is shining on it. Does an object look different on that side than it does on the shadowy side? Absolutely. Is it still the same object? Of course it is. Is it more likely that I am going to see that thing as it ACTUALLY IS when looking at the illuminated side? Definitely. When we look at things from the bright side, we are seeing them in a clearer, more true way.  When our view is shrouded in darkness, we can't see things for what they really are. When we allow ourselves to view the world illuminated, we are much more likely to find joy in what we are doing. I highly recommend doing this with people as well. Look for people's good qualities, and just ignore the bad ones. We all have them, after all. Would you want people to only pay attention to your bad qualities? I sure wouldn't.

Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to look on the bright side of things. It can be absolutely life-changing. Simply taking a few moments each day to think of the good things in your life can change your whole outlook. One thing I've been doing lately is using an online service called grateful160.com. Each day, I receive an email with "What are you grateful for?" in the subject line. I hit reply and type a few sentences. At the end of the week, I get a summary email. I can also have my online journal made into a book, if I choose. There is a fee associated with the service, but I thought it was worth a few dollars to remind myself to be grateful.

I hope you all have a wonderful week! I intend to as well. My daughter Sarah was kind enough to hide the Halloween candy, so it's out of sight and out of mind! I hope that you'll be hearing from me again soon, and I'd love to hear from you! <3

Putting Perfectionism in its Proper Place!

I am a self-proclaimed perfectionist. You’d think that in dealing with something I wrote my Master’s thesis on, I’d have a better handle on it. But alas, this is not the case. One of my greatest struggles  in my life (thus far) is perfectionism. Again, I don’t want to bother delving into how I got this way. It’s not worth it. But basically, sometimes I really struggle with accepting myself in my flawed form. I’m not even talking about my physical form. I’m talking about who I am, and what I do. One major problem with this is that it is in contradiction to my beliefs. Deep down, I believe that I am a good person, that I (like everyone) am imperfect, but that’s okay, and that we all make mistakes, and we should be forgiving of ourselves and others. But when it comes to actually forgiving myself (and sometimes others) I struggle. I have episodes of irrationality that are totally counterproductive.

I’ll give you an example. On Monday, I decided we should go get pumpkins, cider and doughnuts. There is a place we love to go, but it’s about 20 minutes away. I asked Troy to come home early from work so we could go together. I looked on the website and saw that they were open till 6 Tuesday through Sunday. Remember, this is on Monday. We drove down there in rush hour traffic, so it took about a half hour, and they were closed. Only then did I remember that the website said Tuesday through Sunday. No one else was upset by this turn of events, but I was beside myself. The first thing I did (and that I always do) was blame myself and tell myself that I am stupid, and ask myself how could I be so stupid. Then I told myself that I wasted an hour of everyone’s time, and Troy had come home early just so we could go, so I wasted an hour of his work time. I said, "I’m sure I am the only mom who ever does stupid things like this, and that all the other moms totally have their act together and would never do such a stupid thing as I have done." I was filled with regret and shame.

Note my use of the word stupid multiple times. This is what goes on in my head. Can you believe how abusive I am to myself? I would never say something like this to another person. I only do it to myself. Thankfully, it doesn’t last forever. Somehow I am able to calm down and the wave of irrationality passes. It may take a while, depending on how tsunami-like the wave is, and sometimes the wave leaves residual floods of depression in its wake. But I usually get over it within a few minutes to a few hours.

Why am I telling you this? Mostly because it’s what has been going on in my life this week. And because it’s therapeutic for me to write it out. Don’t you just love being privy to my self-therapy sessions? :) Of course, it affects me, so it affects my choices and how I am feeling. My success in making changes in my life is strongly dependent on my attitude. It is imperative that I do all I can to stay positive and quite honestly, to love myself in my present form. I won’t be able to succeed unless I can do that first. If I foster self-loathing now, I will not love myself anymore when I am healthier. And the likelihood of ever making significant life changes while nursing feelings of self-loathing is probably nonexistent.

So now, in my current, more rational state of mind, I will tell you that I know that I am a person of great worth. And that has nothing to do with my accomplishments or choices. It is simply a truth about people. We are all of great worth. I know that no one is perfect, and I should not expect myself to be perfect. That being said, I should not expect anyone else to be perfect (including my spouse!) and no one else should expect me to be perfect. Despite the fact that I sometimes make mistakes, I can forgive myself, and I can be forgiving of others. I can love and care for myself the same way that I would for my husband and children. And if I’m not doing that very well, I can keep trying to do better. The times when I feel the most at peace are the times when I recognize that this is a process of becoming a better version of myself. I have limitless potential to be good and to do good things. There will be bumps along the road. If I elevate my thinking, the bumps look smaller and don’t throw me off track as much.

Thanks for listening. :)

Weekly Weigh-In!

My weight is the same this week as it was last week. I saw some improvement in a couple of my measurements, which you can see on the Success Log on the right bar.

Having this week where I didn't lose pounds brings a lot of things to my mind. For starters, it made me feel a little bit anxious about writing this post and telling all of you that I didn't lose any weight. Knowing that between 200 and 300 people are reading the blog, I was a little bit hesitant to admit that I didn't have a great week. But I realize how important it is for me to be very honest and straight-forward in this process. A big part of this is that by being honest with you, I am honest with myself. Despite the fact that I am fighting my usual impulses to hide myself because I feel ashamed, I can remind myself that I really don't need to be ashamed. That kind of shame is only the result of thinking that I need to be perfect or that I need to live up to some arbitrary standard. I know that neither of those things are true. So that thought brings me relief from my shame and courage to write this post.

So why didn't I lose weight this week? I didn't do as good of a job at choosing my foods that I ate other than the program foods. That's one of the biggest challenges for me in this whole thing--choosing good food for myself. I didn't exercise as much as I wanted to. I didn't spend much time on personal reflection as I like to do. That really helps me a lot, I think. It helps me to focus and remember what I'm trying to accomplish. I also didn't manage my stress very well. I have a lot going on these days (as we all do), and I need to manage my stress in healthy ways. Two things I already mentioned, exercise and reflection, help a lot with stress.

So this week, some things I would like to do better include getting more exercise, spending more time in personal reflection, and planning my meals better. I think that I will also try not weighing myself until next Friday. This is a tough one for me. I'm sort of a compulsive weigher, with all of my other compulsions. I put way too much emotional stock in the number on the scale. It can change my mood for the day and affect my motivation. But I know that the number on the scale doesn't matter as much as healthy habits, so I will focus on those instead. I will also try to post more on the blog. Please feel free to comment and share. It helps! Have a great week!

How my Faith Fits Into All of This

Most of you probably know I am a religious person. I don't intend for this blog to be about my religion, but I can't talk about myself without talking about it. It is so much a part of who I am. For any who don't already know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm a Mormon.

So here are some thoughts about how my faith affects this whole process. It's really about what my fundamental beliefs are, and how those affect my choices. For starters, I believe that I am a child of a loving Father who knows me personally and wants me to succeed in every good thing in my life. He gave me a physical body so that I could experience this world, and so that I could be challenged, and so that I can grow. I believe that my purpose in life is to take this body he has given me and learn to be in control of it and use it for good things, like serving others and making the world a better place. We all have amazing potential as human beings to use our bodies for good. God is watching us to see what we will do, and he is there to help us on our journey if we ask for help. And one of the most important things God has given us is agency, or the freedom to make our own choices. I'm in charge of my body and what I do with it. Have you every heard anyone say, "This is just the way I am," as an excuse for some character flaw? Well, I prefer not to use that excuse. I make my own choices, and I get to decide who I'm going to be.

Being human can be hard. All people have a physical weakness or challenge of one kind or another. Some may have disabilities. Some may have illnesses. Some may be tempted by alcohol or other substances, while some achieve amazing things with their body, like Olympic athletes and mommies. There are a million ways to use or misuse your body for good or bad, for joy or misery, to bless others or to hurt others. This might be a good spot for me to express that I also believe that we have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who knows exactly how we feel all of the time, because he has felt it for us. He knows what it feels like to struggle with a temptation, an addiction, abuse, or any other physical or emotional pain we feel, because he felt it too. That way, he has perfect empathy. When I am struggling and I think, "This is really hard!" I imagine him saying to me, "I know, right? But I know you can beat this. I'm here to help you."

I believe that physical appetites are meant to be overcome and controlled. When our children are little, we teach them not to hit and bite. We teach them to clean their rooms or go out to play when they would rather sit and watch TV. We encourage them to study and develop their talents. We try to teach them to eat healthy food, as opposed to always eating the stuff that tastes the best. We encourage them to be kind, to share, and to serve others, rather than only taking care of themselves. These are all ways in which we teach them to overcome or control their physical bodies.

This part is important: When I make choices to control my bodily appetites and tendencies, and to let my spirit be stronger than my body, I know that I grow closer to God. It strengthens me and makes me a better person. Did any of you see the movie Wall-E? Remember the people who lived in the space station? I feel like them sometime. They were nice, good people, but no one taught them the importance of caring for their bodies. They were weakened because of lack of exercise. Our bodies and our spirits work the same way. Both can be exercised and strengthened. When we stretch ourselves to do hard things, both physically and spiritually, we gain strength and we grow in our capacity to do more.

In many ways, I know that God is pleased with the things that I have done in my life, and the things that I do. But when it comes to the way I have neglected the health of my body, I know that I can do better. Some people in my situation would get gastric bypass surgery. That's their choice and that's fine. But I have decided that I won't do something like that. The main reason is because I look forward to the personal spiritual growth that I can gain as I do this very hard thing. There have been times when this idea was very scary for me, like jumping off a cliff or something. Thanks to you and your support, it doesn't feel that way this time. It's more like simply moving forward one step at a time. As I learn to be in control of my body and let my spirit choose what is best for me, I know that I will grow as a person and become stronger. Every time I make a hard choice, I can feel myself getting a tiny bit stronger. And I don't expect myself to be perfect. I just want to keep making progress in the right direction. I actually get excited when I think about this process. I am eager to become that stronger version of me. I look forward to further opportunities to do good because I will have become a better Suzy. And I know that my Father is cheering me on, every step of the way.

Weekly Weigh-in!

Well, I'm down another three pounds this week. One thing I'm pretty excited about is that it seems to be coming off of my waist. I'm not seeing the same drop in my hips, which doesn't surprise me, because of my gigantic hernia. But it's coming off a little bit there. I think that if I increase my exercise (which has been minimal), I will see more progress in inches lost.

It's hard for me not to be in a hurry to see the numbers change. If you feel like your life is passing you by too quickly, I highly recommend trying to lose weight. It makes time go by VERY slowly!!! Even the time between meals can seem like a long time on some days. I have to say, though, that on this program, I am never hungry. The protein shakes are very satisfying for me, and fill me up for three to four hours, no problem. I have to remind myself that it's time to eat!

Right now is a really good time for me to be trying to lose weight, because my daughter's wedding is approaching, making time go by too quickly. The diet helps balance the time out a little bit! 39 more days till the wedding. Of course, I wish I were a size 6, but right now, I'm just shooting for a 16. I have a cute dress in a 16 petite. I definitely need to lose more weight, or I will have to find a different one that is more flattering to my shape. And that just means I get to go shopping again!

I have to say, I'm really feeling great! Other than a couple of off days, my body has been giving me less trouble. I have had less pain and discomfort associated with my hernia and bowel issues, which has been a huge blessing. I feel good when I do all the right things, like eat small amounts, drink lots of water, and get exercise. I think avoiding dairy products has helped me a lot too, just in terms of my digestive system working better.

Any Lord of the Rings fans out there? I think Frodo's journey is a good example of a goal like this. You go into it knowing it's going to be hard, and it's kind of scary. And it's a long journey with lots of ups and downs. But you know it's the right thing to do, so you make the decision to do it. And surrounded by your friends who support you, you head off toward your goal, not really knowing all that you will encounter, but knowing that it is attainable. Sometime in the future (for Frodo it was 6 months, for me, probably longer), I will be looking back on this experience as something that happened in my past. I will get my surgery done to fix my hernias, and that will also be in my past. And I will be looking forward to lots of new experiences and adventures, which life always brings.

Thank you again for your support and encouragement. Keep reading and commenting! It helps me to know you are there watching me!!! Have a great day! :)

Two Definitions of Hunger

Really for my whole life, hunger has meant two different things. One definition is the one that has to do with food--when your tummy is empty and starts to rumble, and you feel a little weak. I haven't felt this kind of hunger all that often in my life. Mostly because the other kind of hunger is stronger for me.

My second definition of hunger is an urge to eat. This feeling has been much more predominant in my life. From quite an early age, food took on an additional role for me. It was not just for nourishing my body. It was also for feeding my compulsive urges. I love to eat. It makes me happy. I have an emotional attachment to food. This is probably true for everyone to some degree. But for me, the urge to eat is stronger than pretty much all other desires of any kind in my life. It has been stronger than my desire to take care of my body.

I'm not an expert on OCD, but I know that it affects me. It could be a lot worse than it is, but it's a real thing for me. A simple definition is that when we feel anxious, we find ways of coping with that anxiety. We come up with activities or behaviors which calm us, at least temporarily. Some of them end up being sort of productive, like cleaning or exercising. Sometimes I wish I had chosen one of those as my coping behavior, but I'm not really serious in that wish. I don't think having any compulsive behavior is a good thing.

I can remember events from my childhood that I knew, even at the time, were not very good. Once when I was twelve, I went to a birthday party that involved going to pizza and a movie. Pizza was, and still is, my favorite food. One problem I have is stopping eating when it's something I really like. So when there was plenty of pizza to go around, I just kept eating. Sometime in the night (it was a sleepover), I had to go in the bathroom and be sick because I was so full.

Another time, I was probably sixteen, and I was driving home alone. I decided to stop and get an ice cream cone. I got it, and I ate it, but I wasn't satisfied. I wanted another one. I was too ashamed to go into the ice cream shop and buy another one, so I went across the street to a convenience store and got a soft serve cone instead. I had real problems controlling my urge to eat. And I was secretive and sneaky about it.

It doesn't really matter why I am a compulsive eater or how I got this way. It is what it is. I'm not implying that people shouldn't get help for this kind of disorder. My point is this: I am at a point in my life where I am making a real effort to change my behaviors. I have changed my behavior before, but only temporarily. This blog is giving me a new opportunity to make a permanent change. Part of making a permanent change, in my mind, is practicing new habits long enough to make them stick, and to feel what life is like with the new habits.

I hope you realize how important you all are in this equation. It really does make a difference for me that you know I am doing this, and that you are cheering for me. And the more times I say no to a brownie at choir practice or a slice of pizza at a party, the more I will make these habits part of who I really am. I am learning to manage my anxiety in healthier ways. I know this, because that hunger I have often felt is really not an issue right now. This freedom allows me to practice making healthy choices without my compulsion making the choice for me.

One time, the former leader of our church, Gordon B. Hinckley, said that compulsion is the opposite of agency. That was an eye-opening idea for me. It made me realize that when I succumb to my compulsions, I am giving up my agency. I don't want to give up my agency. I want to take it back. I know that each time I feel a compulsive urge, I have a choice to make. I can listen to it or I can make a more rational choice. I am learning to do that. And it feels good.

Welcome to the Halftime Report

You know in a football game how at halftime, the coach takes the team into the locker room, reviews how things have been going, and gives them some advice and motivation for the second half? Meanwhile, the commentators will review the first half and make their recommendations for the second half? Well, I was thinking to myself today...What if I found out that my life was exactly half over today? What would I change? What would I continue to do? How would I want the second half of my life to look? It seems like we usually ask things like, "What would you do if you had one day, or one year, to live?" I'm 44 right now. If I knew I was going to be fortunate enough to live to be 88 years old, how would that affect my thinking?

I'm a big fan of looking forward. Not that I don't look back sometimes. I do it too much, I think. Although my past has made me who I am today, I think it's best for me to take what I've learned and apply it to my present to create a future that I am happy with. I often remind myself that, no matter what my past has held, when I get up each day, it's me who has to make choices for myself in the present moment. No amount of blaming others for our present situation or wishing things were different will change the fact that we are the decision makers. And so, I try to remember this idea as I move forward.

So, in the spirit of looking forward, and not back, I will ask myself this question: Where do I want to go that I haven't gone yet? Who do I want to be that I haven't been yet? Which parts of me do I like and want to keep? Which parts need some tweaking?

I like the fact that I like learning and growing. So even if there are things that I like about myself, I am always interested in improving. For example, I think I'm a pretty good listener, and I like to lend an ear to people who need one. But I'm sure I can improve at that as well. I love learning languages. Perhaps I will try to become fluent in a foreign language. I definitely want to learn to take better care of my body. I am learning that right now. I love playing sports, so perhaps I will take up some sports in my second half. I love reading books and acquiring knowledge on all different subjects. I think I would like to read more. One thing I'm just not good at is housekeeping. My house is a wreck--I kid you not. That is something I would really like to do better at in the second half of my life. I would like to be better at being kind and not thinking bad things about others. When Troy's grandmother passed away, a woman said at her funeral that she had never heard her utter an unkind word about another person. What a wonderful example to try to live up to! I love my family and enjoy all of them daily. I would want to do all that I could to help the joy I feel in those relationships to continue.

I'm sure I could go on for a very long time, but I will spare you my ramblings. My little exercise here motivates me, and gives me a sense of renewed purpose. I know that all of us have amazing amounts of untapped potential. I have to admit that nothing is quite as exciting for me as imagining the person I have the potential of becoming if I put my mind to it.

Have a great day, and a great second half!

Weekly Weigh-In and My Plan

Some things I'm looking forward to, and some things I know

Things I will be able to do when I’m healthier:

-tie my shoes without turning red in the face

-wrap a regular-sized towel around myself

-put my tray down on an airplane without it touching my tummy

-make the bunk beds

-play soccer

-dance

-ski

-run

-cross my legs

-cross my arms

-touch my toes

-sit on the floor and be comfortable

-shop for clothes in Misses sizes

-go to the pool without feeling self-conscious

-carry the laundry upstairs without feeling like I need to rest afterwards

-play, I mean really play, with my kids

-hug my little ones and have their arms go all the way around me

Although self improvement is always good, there are things in my life that are true today and will never change. For the most part, these are true for everyone.

-I love my family, and my family loves me

-God loves me

-I am beautiful

-I love my friends, and they love me

-I have an amazing support system

-I am of infinite worth

-I have many good qualities

-I am worthy of love and capable of love

The outpouring of love and support I have felt in the past five days has been amazing! I hope this is a lesson for all of us that we should not be afraid to be honest with ourselves and with others. If you are struggling with something, there are people all around you who love you and are ready to help you along your path to where you want to be. Don't be ashamed of not being perfect. No one is. NO ONE IS PERFECT! We shouldn't expect it of ourselves or of anyone else. We all have issues, struggles, problems, and we can help and strengthen each other if we are willing to open up and reach out. Have a great day!

Wait..you've had HOW many surgeries?

I made a video for today, but my videographer is out of town ;), and I'm having a little bit of trouble with it, so I decided to write a post. I mentioned before that I have an abdominal hernia, or two. I wanted to give a brief description of my health challenges right now. Some are related to my weight problem, and some are not. The first time I got a hernia was about 9 years ago. It was right in the middle, above my belly button. I know I had it when I was pregnant with Lizzie, but I don't remember how long I had it before that. Anyway, after she was born, I had a surgery and had it sewn shut, no mesh patch. It wasn't long before it poked through again. I thought about having it repaired then, but for some reason, I decided against it. I lived with it for about 5 years. Then I decided to get it fixed. About that time, I also noticed some other somewhat alarming things going on, which included some blood when I went poop. After too long, really, I went to the doctor and she said we'd get a scope done and check it out. Anybody out there ever had a colonoscopy? Well, the prep is horrible, but the procedure is no big deal. My colon was squeaky clean except for one very large polyp in my sigmoid colon (near the bottom end). They biopsied it and discovered it was pre-cancerous. So it needed to come out. It was too big to remove the usual way of snipping it off. I needed to have a section of my colon removed. Long story short, I couldn't have my hernia repaired with mesh at that time. I had the colon surgery, and they sewed my hernia shut again. After a few months, it was clear that it had opened up again. So I had another surgery to close it up, and put a mesh in this time. It was probably about three months after that surgery that I noticed I was getting another hernia. That was about 15 months ago. About a year ago, I went back to my surgeon. He said that there was just too much fat in my tummy to keep the hernia from recurring. He said I should lose about 50 pounds, or get down to a BMI of 33, before we perform the surgery again. I didn't blame him. He was trying to help me be healthier and have a successful surgery. But I've really only lost about 10 pounds since then. Actually, I've lost five pounds about 10 times, but put it back on over and over again. I'm really good at gaining weight, but not so good at losing it. So the current hernia is my intestines pushing out under the mesh, which has come loose on the side. The hole is about three inches long. I am also contending with some unfortunate problems related to my colon surgery. Some of you may know what stenosis is and what an anastomosis is, but for the rest of us, I'll explain. The spot where they removed a section of my colon has become scarred and shrunken, so my colon is inflexible and only about a centimeter in diameter at that spot, a few inches from the end of the line. In order to keep from being in severe pain, I have to use lots of Benefiber and Miralax to keep things moving through. So that it a daily struggle. Sometimes I eat things that just don't want to cooperate, and it causes me pain for a day or so. I've learned to be more disciplined about what I eat and how much, but it's a challenge. One of my primary motivations for losing the weight is so that I can get my surgery and fix my tummy, and maybe even my colon. I'm sure there will be some fun posts at that time. Well, that is enough about my digestive tract. More excitement tomorrow! :)